I
haven’t written in a long time.
I’ve thought about it, turned on the computer, thought about it some
more, and just couldn’t seem to process all the overwhelming emotions in my
head in order to form words. I was
in bed and decided that now was the time to write. Unfortunately, it just happens to be 1:00 in the
morning. I think sleep is
overrated anyways. All I can think
about when I slow down is how one day I’ll be old and propped up in a
chair…that’s when I’ll sleep. It’s
the calm and quiet that scares me most because that’s when there is nothing but
silence, my mind, and my heart all left to think and feel. Kind of like right now.
To
say it’s been a rough year or so is an understatement. It’s been worse than anything I could
have ever imagined. The day that
my mom died a part of me died also.
I’ve come to believe it’s something that no one could ever prepare
for. It still amazes me to this
day how your life is forever changed.
I can remember every last detail of that day. The way everything looked, how it sounded, how it smelled,
but most of all how it felt. The
visual images are still haunting.
It’s just the pure rawness that is so hard to explain. At times I wish I
could just forget but then there’s the part of me that embraces the pain, because
without the pain it’s hard to accept and believe it’s real.
In
the beginning the initial shock really is unbelievable. It’s strange but you
are almost kind of crazy.
Logically you can understand it’s real but it doesn’t feel real. I can laugh now when I think about the
crazy things that went through my mind.
I understood that she was dead but I still believed there was a
possibility that she could come back.
Just to give an example this was my rational thinking at the time.
Well…if God really wanted her to come back he could do it. I mean after all it’s been done before,
right? Because of course if there was one chosen one he chose to bring back to
life undoubtedly it would be her. Let’s just back up a minute in case you
missed that. Yes, I just compared
my mom to Jesus?!?! That’s
unmistakably a whole lot of crazy! But those feelings were absolutely real at
the time. I can laugh now and I’m
pretty sure I hear my mom laughing too, but it’s taken about a year and a half
to truly laugh at these thoughts.
The
story I just told you is the tip of the iceberg on crazy. I have much more craziness to
share. So why am I sharing
this? I’m sharing this in hopes
that others can read this and better understand how someone else is feeling or
has felt. One of the hardest things was feeling alone and like no one
understood my pain. I read so many
grief books and pamphlets and online material. And after every one I thought
the same thing. Ugh…those
liars…those damn liars! The books
explain the process of grieving and the stages you’ll go through, but they
leave out all the raw crazy emotions you feel. I remember telling Greg I should write a book that’s
true. Just like the movie the ugly
truth. The ugly truth about death
and then it can go on from there, the ugly truth about marriage and
children. A book that actually
says what everyone else is thinking but just won’t say out loud. That way when we read it we can actually
feel a little more normal. With
that said, I’ll be sharing many more of my crazy stories. So, if you have been feeling a little
off just keep reading and I’m sure you’ll feel a little more normal real
quick. I plan on telling you the
truth…the good…the bad…and the ugly. After all that’s my new motto, “Say what you mean and mean
what you say”.
What’s
the moral of this story? Why are we all so afraid to really tell each other how
we feel? Are we afraid someone
might think we are crazy? I’ll be the first one to admit, yes I’m a little bit
of crazy. What’s so wrong with crazy anyway? If you ask me, I think everyone could use a little crazy!
Just
a day in the life…
